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The Brown Noser

Report: Your Grandma Acts That Way Because She’s Very Very Sad

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Sources report that your grandma acts that way because she’s very very sad.

“So I don’t care if you don’t want to go over there,” declares your mom, staring, unblinking, from her tired eyes. “You think she collects sticks in the backyard and stares at the decorative plants because she’s weird? No! She’s deeply depressed, Jacob."

“She’s not looking for food when she stares in the refrigerator for so long. She wants sensation, Jacob. She wants feeling,” continues your mom while wiping the floor by moving around a wet towel with her foot. “She moved near us to see us more often, all of her friends are in Great Neck. She has nobody.”

“She does nothing. She’s lived an incredibly meaningful life but she’s reaching the end and frankly there’s nothing left, Jacob,” added your mom, scrubbing the granite counter top into submission. “So you finish your video game. But then get your butt on your bike and go over and spend some time with your grandmother, Ok? While you still can.”

At press time, you are sitting near your grandmother while she reads.

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