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The Brown Noser

Report: Your Mom Would Probably Watch Ira Glass Sex Tape

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

A report released this week concluded that if NPR personality Ira Glass were to release a sex tape tomorrow, the probability that your mother would watch it is extremely high.

“Our studies found that your mother would not just seek out the tape for a quick peek," the report stated, referring to the woman who raised you. “Rather, our findings suggest that she would genuinely enjoy watching NPR’s most iconic presenter engage in coitus on camera.”

“Our methodology incorporates different scenarios such as vocal fry dirty talk, mid-intercourse pledge drive breaks, and upbeat bongos during transitions,” continued the report. “In over 70% of those scenarios, your 56-year-old mother would draw up a warm bath, light some candles, and take her iPad out of her NPR tote to Google ‘Watch Ira Glass Tape Free Online.’”

At press time, a new report concluded that your mom probably has a copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” tucked away in her dresser.

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