In a statement released Tuesday, the White House stated that George Washington, first president of the United States, had been successfully revived from the dead.
“He was extremely inquisitive about the state of the country,” stated Nurse Robert Brigham, who was assigned as President Washington’s primary caregiver. “He appeared truly crestfallen when I told him about the current political tensions, particularly between Democrats and Republicans. Then Dr. Ford, who happens to be African-American, walked in to check on him, and the President called him some things I don’t feel comfortable repeating.”
“We realized fairly quickly how much we’d have to explain to him,” reported Doctor Thomas Ford. “Like how the country is divided in a way that hasn’t really been seen since the 1960s Civil Rights movement. And how there was a civil rights movement.”
“He’s so, so racist.” Ford added.
“We weren’t sure where to begin, so we showed him the list of his successors.” Brigham recounted. “That turned out to be a mistake. He was visibly distraught as he saw how our two party system meant that the results of any given election left a significant portion of the country disappointed and upset in its leadership. Then he spent fifteen minutes trying to pronounce “Barack Hussein Obama” and asked if we were joking with him.”
“We told him President Obama is half white and that only made it exponentially worse for him,” Brigham added. “In the next few days, we’re hoping to cover the Civil War, women’s suffrage, and the LGBTQ+ rights movement. We’re not optimistic.”
The report concluded with a statement from former President Washington himself: “When I left office, I spoke firmly against partisan politics. I could only dream of a future free of such arbitrary distinctions as political belief. Therefore I am deeply saddened by the lack of unity among our populace, particularly among our white men, who appear to have allowed women and minorities to grasp at their status.”
At press time, George Washington had gone into shock after meeting with the original cast of Hamilton, the Musical.