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The Brown Noser

Rich Person Makes Fun Of Richer Person For Being Rich

Published Friday, April 24th, 2015

Condemning the excessive lifestyle of the extremely wealthy, rich person Riley Shelton ’16 reportedly made fun of richer person Mitchell Quinn ’16 for being rich.

“Mitch never uses up all of his meal credits because he just eats out all the time,” said Shelton, whose parents pay tens of thousands of dollars in college tuition every year while other people live on less than $10 a day. “He doesn’t even have to think about it because he has so much money.”

Shelton, who describes himself as upper-middle class despite falling in the 98th income percentile of all US households, criticized Quinn for living in an expensive off-campus house and for carrying around so much cash in his wallet.

“Mitch went to London for spring break to stay at his family’s vacation apartment in Chelsea,” said Shelton, who has been to eight different countries in his life and has never had to worry about money. "That’s normal for him. He just doesn’t get it.

Shelton added that he “just went home for break,” referring to his leisurely week spent at his family’s $400,000 luxury home outside Boston.

Noting that he himself has an iPhone 4 and will have to deal with the cracked screen, Shelton went on to make fun of Quinn for purchasing the iPhone 6 Plus. Added Shelton, “I’m going to have to wait till my free upgrade this fall.”

“This summer Mitch is going to Lollapalooza for the third time, and tickets are like $300,” said Shelton, who could only afford the $110 Saturday pass and who is still several orders of magnitude above the poverty line.

At press time, Shelton was breaking a fifty-dollar bill at a thrift store and bashing Quinn for buying brand name clothing.

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