Partly Cloudy, 64°
According to reports from within the First Baptist Chapel in Oxford, England, famed evolutionary biologist and outspoken atheist Richard Dawkins is currently just heckling the shit out of local pastor Michael Winston.
“Pastor Winston was reading a selection from 1 Corinthians when Dawkins stood up from his pew and started cackling and booing,” reported churchgoer John Chapman. “He’d just wait for him to finish a sentence and then say things like ‘Su-u-ure,’ and ‘O-o-okay,’ in this obnoxious tone of voice.”
“Now he’s just yelling, ‘God doesn’t exist! God doesn’t exist!’ in this weird warble,” Chapman added.
Sources within the chapel have confirmed that Dawkins has repeatedly interrupted Winston’s sermon with insults and ad hominem attacks, including statements suggesting Winston “talks like a dummy, brain-dead Christian” and that he “ought to get a quick lobotomy and materialize the God-sized hole in [his] brain.”
“This sermon is a load of bullshit,” Dawkins reportedly shouted before Winston led the congregation in the singing of “All Creatures of Our God and King." “Go ahead and sing your hymns, praise a fairytale God with your infant brains. You’re all frauds and morons incapable of reason!"
“I can’t wait until you die and nothing happens!” added Dawkins before beginning a deranged, expletive-laden dance in front of the pulpit while giving the middle finger. “Bask in the eternal correctness of science! You lose! I win!”
At press time, Dawkins could be seen waiting outside the chapel with a red pen and several hundred copies of “The God Delusion,” ready to be signed.
