A scandal erupted Friday as muscular hunk Ron Johnson ’13’s abs were found to be nothing more than taped-on hotdogs.
Students across campus were shocked by this new information. Brad Traupe ’14.5 recalls constantly seeing a shirtless Ron working out at the satellite gyms on campus.
Traupe said that Ron was “well-built” and made him feel insecure about his own frame. Traupe commented that Johnson “looked like a fucking model,” adding that “[Johnson’s] abs are impossible to get.” He then went on a rant about how looks are not everything and finally posed the question, “How am I supposed to compete with that?”
Traupe also noted that the “funky hotdog smell” in the workout room made sense now.
Devin Peterson ’14, another muscle-man, said that he could always tell Johnson’s abs were not real. “I consider myself a foodie, and I’m pretty certain I can tell the difference between human abs and hotdogs.” He then proceeded to rip off his shirt and yell, “THESE ARE WHAT REAL ABS LOOK LIKE!”
Many other students also recalled that whenever Johnson played Frisbee or went tanning on the main green — always sans shirt — hordes of females and males alike flocked to him and ogled the “beautiful specimen” that was his body.
Female ogler Jenny Hanson ’14 was devastated when she heard the news, saying, “WHAT?! I slept with an average guy!” She later sobbed her way into a more optimistic view of the situation by noting that “at least he always had a snack after we fucked.”
Upon further investigation, Johnson’s entire upper body was discovered to be made out of ham, his arms made out of bacon and his face a large pepperoni pizza from the Gate.