Kennedy Graves, a rising pop star, eagerly awaits her big break into the world of pop stardom by getting called gay by the New York Times Opinion section.

“I’ve been doing everything right. I’ve got a great manager; the record label is doing all my promo; and I’ve been blowing up on Tik Tok,” said Graves, taking a break from writing her new song “I Like Men (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah).” “Now all that remains is for some brainy NYT editor to opine about my suppressed homosexuality as expressed through the homoerotic undertones in my body of music.”

“Me and my boyfriend are always talking about what it will be like when I know I’ve made it, and I can sit back and relax,” said Graves, kissing her boyfriend in a heterosexual manner. “I just know that moment will come when the world’s largest newspaper decides it’s appropriate to assert that I am gay in the pages of their opinion section.”

At press time, the New York Times is pretty tired of getting called gay by Fox News.

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