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At a last-minute press conference yesterday, Alex Rodriguez admitted for the first time publicly that he had continued to use steroids after 2009. Rodriguez also admitted that he had been manufacturing steroids and selling them to neighborhood Little Leaguers in order to make a quick buck. This was all unrelated, confessed Rodriguez, to his plot to steal the 2014 Congressional elections, for which he now takes full responsibility.
“Yes, I have been taking PEDs,” said Rodriguez during the grim press conference. “I’ve been taking HGH, testosterone supplements, and various brands of amphetamine. I bought them from dealers in Cuba and North Korea in exchange for American military secrets.”
Continued Rodriguez, “And yes, I’ve been gambling on games, often betting against my own team. And yes, I am behind the recent string of Midtown diamond thefts. And it’s possible, in a moment of weakness, that I may have instituted a massive warrantless wiretapping system across all 50 states. But I did it for the love of the game.”
Added Rodriguez, “I paid for all this with money I made in a Ponzi scheme.”
Last June, Major League Baseball began investigating allegations of Rodriguez’s steroid use. This inquiry quickly expanded to cover allegations that he was stealing signals and placing injury bounties on dozens of players around the league. This overlapped with FBI, CIA, and NYPD investigations into Rodriguez’s mob involvement, fake ID business and several instances of domestic terrorism.
“Major League Baseball will no longer tolerate illicit drug use, theft, murder, arson, tax fraud or home invasions from its players,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. “Fans should not have to wonder if their favorite ballplayers are putting up big stats through chemical means, or threatening the umpires’ families, or replacing opposing pitchers with robot duplicates. Such activities will be met with immediate suspension.”
Rodriguez’s lawyer Joseph Tacopina defended his client. “Let’s not forget, what Rodriguez did—drugs, sedition, carjacking, poisoning the reservoir, unleashing a virus that threatens to bring down every piece of electronics in the New York metro area if not the continental United States, arms trafficking, jaywalking, inducing Ryan Dempster to spontaneously combust, corking his bat and plagiarism—people are deluding themselves if they don’t think every player does this. Alex is just the one who got caught, and also went way, way further than everyone else, and is apparently some kind of possibly magical insane technological supergenius. In short: he’s a scapegoat.”
As of press time, upon hearing that Rodriguez had confessed to lacing Yankee Stadium confessions with truth serum in an elaborate attempt to force the city to confront its own hypocrisies, the Yankees’ front office collectively sighed in relief that his massive contract would likely be voided.
