Continuing his recent string of embarrassing gaffes, presidential candidate Mitt Romney, during an address on economic policy in Michigan last weekend, was a horse.
“Voters look for certain things in a president,” said political consultant Rick Nickerson. “They want someone who seems confident when speaking to large audiences, is honest and forthright with the voters, and is above all not a horse. By being a horse, Governor Romney has committed a serious error.” Nickerson is a respected expert with several degrees.
House Republicans leaped to defend the governor, pointing out that as a horse he would still be able to fit in the Oval Office because it is very big. Democrats gleefully attacked the governor, despite having remained silent when President Obama was a horse during a 2010 trip to Egypt. The Green Party was probably off somewhere talking about poverty or something.
“This does not change anything,” said President Obama. “My campaign will continue to highlight our positive vision for America.” Campaign officials denied that Obama’s recent comments that “we need to quit horsing around on immigration,” “this idle horseplay with Iran will get us nowhere,” and “we cannot allow the economy to be run by a horsey-faced horse like Governor Romney,” were in any way related to Governor Romney being a horse.
Voters across the country reacted immediately to the news. “He’s a horse?” said North Carolina registered voter Julie Rutgers. “That doesn’t sound like it affects whether he’ll address the erosion of civil liberties, so who cares? Ha ha, kidding, my grandpa was a horse and I hated him, Obama 2012.”
“RomneyBeingAHorseGate,” as the scandal has been dubbed, has become a major election issue. The gaffe was a top story on most news networks, supplanting coverage of how important the Electoral College is because it decides who is the president. As of last evening, however, it had been replaced by in-depth discussions of whether the media talk about gaffes too much.
Nevertheless, experts like Nickerson maintain that the gaffe is significant. “Stories like this have a way of sticking around,” said Nickerson. “Maybe Paul Ryan has said negative things about horses in the past! Maybe Governor Romney will neigh at inappropriate times during the debates! Either way, the media will make sure that Americans don’t miss a single beat of this fascinating story.”
As of press time, American drone strikes had killed another Arab without due process but it was probably just some guy.