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The Brown Noser

Roommate Getting Confronted About Roadkill Collection Conveniently Had Another Really Stressful Day

Published Friday, May 3rd, 2024

Junior Atticus Lang is once again conveniently avoiding a conversation regarding his roadkill collection by claiming he’s just had another really rough day.

“They aggressively cornered me even though they know I’ve had a really hard day. They were all like, ‘You need to do something about your roadkill collection right now,’ with absolutely no regard for whether or not I was in a good place to have that conversation,” said Atticus about his roommates, who three weeks ago had discovered a mysteriously wet and deeply malodorous cardboard box in a closet that had since become increasingly revolting. “They didn’t even bother to ask, but I’ve actually had a really long day. None of their classes are as hard as mine are. I had to get up early for my 11am, and on the way to get boba after class, some vultures attacked me because I had items for my collection in my backpack. And now, when I come back and have to do ALL my homework, they gang up on me to be mean on purpose!”

“They said I’ve been intentionally avoiding them, and if I didn’t get rid of it, they would put it outside for me,” continued Lang tearfully, despite the fact that his roommates had already asked him four times to do it himself, and despite the fact that the box was luring coyotes in at night. “It’s a really awful feeling when people talk behind your back, you know? They never invite me to do things, and I just don’t feel welcome in our little community anymore. I think they’ve been hanging out without me to gossip about my roadkill collection. Clearly, my only non-toxic friends are the vultures that follow me around. At least THEY understand my interests. I’m allowed to have a hobby, and it’s been a really hard day, and you guys need to just leave me alone!”

At press time, Lang was seen standing at a busy intersection offering peanuts to squirrels on the other side.

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