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Sources near the fridge indicate that Derrick Tolbiss’s self-described communist roommate won’t even share her takeout with him.
“She’s always going on about ‘alienation this’ and ‘means of production that,’” reported Tolbiss, eyeing a half-full takeout container marked ‘SARAH’ in black sharpie. “But the one time I ask for some of her Chinatown leftovers, guess who suddenly believes in private property?”
“Marx would be rolling in his grave,” continued Tolbiss, attempting to sneak some lo mein without alerting his roommate whom he claims never leaves the house without a copy of The Communist Manifesto in tow. “There’s a spectre haunting this apartment, Sarah, and its name is hypocrisy.”
“All I wanted was one bite of her General Tso’s!” Tolbiss explained, gesturing to the Soviet-era wall décor put up by the same roommate who apparently can’t seem to redistribute any of her own food. “When the proletarian revolution comes, she’s gonna have quite a lot of explaining to do.”
At press time, Tolbiss’s other roommate was claiming to be a libertarian despite always participating in their household’s group chores.
