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"Ruth Simmons, President of Brown University, reportedly lost millions of dollars worth of real estate last weekend in what has been criticized by some as an overzealous move in the ""Boldly Brown"" Campaign.
Simmons, commonly referred to as ""Slick Hand Simms"", lost the properties in an ""all-in"" hand of rock-paper-scissors to former Harvard President Larry Summers. The hand was best out of seven and Simmons' rock was wrapped up by Summers' paper in the sixth round, sealing the victory for the former Harvard President.
Summers plans to build his newest project on the site: the Summers Center for Male Advancement in Math and Science. Summers later acknowledged that while male advancement in math and science was almost unnecessary, he felt the center would be a nice gesture.
While many Brown University officials have considered the move part of Brown's current divestment effort, a few students still remain skeptical.
One senior commented, ""While I completely see where Ruth is coming from, I just don't see where Ruth is coming from."" Another commented, ""I love Ruth, but I feel like this isn't the best fiscal choice for the school at this stage of the expansion process. But I love Ruth. Like a lot. Like kill my firstborn and rub salt on all the open wounds on my body if she wanted me to a lot.""
The news of the loss came at an especially bad time, as the University has recently been unable to acquire other local properties, most notably Via Via IV, which passed on a multi-million dollar offer to continue in the highly lucrative take-out sector. There was also recent consideration of purchasing Spiritus Fermenti (See Business Section), a local distributor of wine and spirits. However, an influx of thousands of threatening emails to the financial office dissuaded the University's administration from pursuing the purchase.
The recommendation of the University treasurer was to ""call Sidney Frank and make everything better."" Unfortunately, Sidney Frank was unavailable for comment."
