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A new longitudinal study put out by the American Journal of Public Health revealed that the average American eats such an absurd amount of chocolate over the course of a lifetime that they refused to even publish the actual numbers.
“It’s a lot,” reported head researcher Paul Corban, pushing an open folder off of his desk before anyone could catch a glimpse. “Jesus Christ, it’s so much.”
The study found that since 2000, the average American’s chocolate consumption has increased from an amount that would be shameful to publish to an amount that is frankly disgusting. Researchers concluded that the implications of these numbers are so bleak that they just were not going to get into it.
The study went on to say that they were withholding the results “for your own good,” and that the researchers “had no idea what they were getting into.” The numbers, according to the report, could “do no good for the world.”
“I’m not even going to give you a ballpark,” said Corban, refusing to divulge any information about his work. “Just trust me, okay?”
At press time, Corban was witnessed getting a Snickers from the vending machine to make himself feel better.
