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After months of renovation, the University finally unveiled its newest addition to the Sciences Library, a floor dedicated to gossiping about Marc, the guy from last night’s party.
“Forget about the Rock’s Absolute Quiet Room! From now on, I’m only working in the SciLi’s Absolute Marc Room!” said junior Sabrina Hampson, pulling out a set of flashcards about Marc’s recent activity on Instagram. “In here, I don’t have to deal with other students arguing about problem sets or loudly typing on their laptops while I’m trying to figure out if Marc was checking me out at the Sigma pregame last night…which he definitely was, by the way.”
The SciLi’s new floor is totally conducive to gossiping about Marc. From the massive windows that provide a perfect view of Chipotle, Marc’s favorite hangover lunch spot, to the countless cubicles, which grant complete privacy for Facebook stalking, every architectural element in the space ensures that students can gossip about Marc to the best of their abilities.
“I’m so glad that the University recognizes our needs, especially when it comes to talking about Marc,” continued Hampson, shooting dirty looks at a group of nearby students studying biology instead of speculating about which girl interested Marc the most at last night’s party. “I’m way more productive now. It’s great to have a place where I can get away from life’s distractions and concentrate on whether I should DM Marc.”
At press time, the University announced plans to open a wing in the Nelson Fitness Center dedicated to sitting on your phone and ignoring the workout equipment.
