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The Brown Noser

Science Reports Correlation Between Amount Of Tiny Desk Videos Watched And How Much You Fuck Like A Champ

Published Friday, March 6th, 2020

A new report published by science has found that there is a strong correlation between the amount of NPR Tiny Desk Concert videos one has watched and how much that person fucks like a champ. The report finds that this correlation can be found among a variety of different but connected metrics.

“First of all, if you’ve watched a lot of Tiny Desks over the years you’re probably a champ," lead researcher Colin Mackabeet reported. “Which means you’re also definitely more likely to fuck like one. Other factors we tested include how long you’ve been watching Tiny Desk videos as well as the niche level of those videos. High ratings on both of those measures also correlated strongly with fucking like an absolute goddamn champ.”

“For instance if you’ve seen Tyler the Creator’s Tiny Desk Video you might be somewhat of a champ and therefore also somewhat fuck like one," Mackabeet went on to explain. "But if you’ve seen, say, Daniel Johnston’s Tiny Desk or The Walkmen’s Tiny Desk, your numbers are probably way off the charts.”

“The metric with the highest correlation to fucking like a studly, honest-to-god champ was the likelihood that one will mention Tiny Desks in conversation,” concluded Mackabeet. “If you simply mention to others that you watched a Tiny Desk recently, it’s a good bet that you were the running back on the ‘95 State Champs Amarillo High School football team, and I’ll be damned if you don’t fuck like him too. But if you go out of your way to pull out your laptop and show someone the Tiny Desk, you’re the motherfucking quarterback. You’re Johnston Dunleavy himself.”

At press time, the author of this article was watching Daniel Johnston’s Tiny Desk Concert while also simultaneously fucking like a champ.

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