Partly Cloudy, 64°
Calling it a landmark discovery in marine biology, scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced yesterday the discovery that fish are just very small horses.
“Many of us had theories as to the evolutionary origins of fish, but once we put enough of them under a microscope it became clear that they’re all just tiny horses that swim around in the ocean,” lead researcher Dr. Michael Singh said in a statement, adding that fish fins are just their horse tails and scales their chestnut brown coats.
“Fish contain 100% of the same genes as horses and also neigh like horses, too, though at a frequency inaudible to human beings,” Singh continued. “This finding applies to all fish, even the bigger ones, like sharks and whales. Every single one. For instance, when one eats fish at a restaurant, they’re actually eating a little horse, and so on.”
The 300-page report discusses in detail the evidence backing their conclusion, including the observation that all fish have horse legs and a long nose. Though fish don’t usually eat hay, experts suspect that they’d love it if they did, and would likely eat it all the time. Scientists also believe that fish would race on land competently and profitably, should they be given the opportunity.
“We need to rethink fish in a major way,” Singh said at the end of the report. “That doesn’t mean we ought to throw a saddle onto every single one, but it does mean that we might start to see more parents give them to little girls on their birthdays and the like.”
As of press time, a supplementary report had noted that though fish are definitely tiny horses, regular-sized horses have nothing to do with fish, and anyone concluding as much is a vulgar charlatan.
