Sunday, November 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Scientists Report Falling Asleep In Backseat Of Car As Close To Teleportation As We’re Gonna Get

Published Friday, September 13th, 2019

A recent study concluded that falling asleep in the backseat of a car is as close to teleportation as we’re gonna get.

After years of grueling research in the mechanics of teleportation, findings show that falling asleep on a long car ride is pretty much the same thing. “I mean one minute you’re one place," lead researcher Dr. Mary Liana said. "Then in the next moment of consciousness, you’re in a new place. This appears to be legitimate teleportation.”

“We’ve done extensive research on the possibilities of teleportation. We’ve taken into account quantum entanglement and the spin-coupling of subatomic particles,” she continued. “But nothing is as successful as falling asleep in the back of a car.”

In lieu of flux capacitors and space-time wormholes, smooth roads and comfortable backseats seem to work flawlessly as teleportation technology. It costs only the price of gas, and there are no reported instances of being trapped in an interdimensional void. “There’s no more innovation to be done,” said Dr. Liana. “Buckle up and take some melatonin and you’ll teleport. Simple as that.”

The study also found that long-distance teleportation was possible by falling asleep on a plane.

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