Partly Cloudy, 64°
After hearing “Wow, I can’t believe it’s this hot in February” for the fifth time today, climatologist Molly Schlafer rolled her eyes and filed a report warning that global warming will only contribute to more unwanted conversations about the weather. After 2015 was reported as the hottest year on record, the overwhelming scientific consensus is that this wouldn’t be the last time people would hear Josh talk about how Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas without the snow.
“Sea levels could rise 20 inches by 2050 worldwide,” reported Schlafer, standing in front of a chart that maps the increase in global carbon emissions onto a strikingly similar increase in how many Facebook statuses teenagers post about wearing flip-flops in November. “Which means that Amy’s classmates will continue to hear her go on and on about how she hasn’t used her winter coat once this year.”
“It’s going to get very annoying, very fast,” added Schlafer.
While extreme droughts plague the globe, and an alarming number of species face potential extinction, scientists caution that hearing Eddie constantly gush about how he gets to wear his favorite capris mid-winter will be a constant threat to our national discourse.
At press time, another hurricane wreaked havoc on an unprepared coastal village, but reporters were unable to estimate the damage, as everybody was too busy Snapchatting their surroundings and exclaiming, “What IS this weather?!”
