Looking ahead to graduation this coming May, Brown senior, Derrick Sanders, can’t wait to leave his liberal college bubble, and relocate to a larger, tech bubble.
“I’ve had a lot of fun these past four years,” says Sanders, a second semester senior graduating with a ScB in computer science, “But I’m ready to branch out and enter the real world.
Clocking in 500 words of pure mastery in argumentative writing, student writer for the Odyssey Online, Hailee Simmons, is really making some compelling points.
“I wanted to create an airtight case, so I dug into my research this time” says Simmons, a sophomore studying sociology who was seen skimming a Wikipedia page moments before writing the article.
After successfully watching a documentary on global warming and later tweeting about it from his personal account, former sitcom actor, Ricardo DiGregorio is wondering how he became the nation’s point person on climate change sources reported Friday.
After seeing one year old Lila Day wearing tiny Timberland boots while playing in the park, eyewitnesses came to the conclusion that the baby must be going on a big hike later.
“Sure, she clearly doesn’t have full control over her balance but this baby just has to be planning on going hiking later,” said Elaine Pascal after seeing Lila.
Confirming what many had long expected, researchers from Harvard University announced on Friday that kids are always bonking their heads on things. "After months of extensive observation, we are able to definitively conclude that kids hit their heads on stuff as if it’s their job,” said head researcher Mitchell Cranston, putting an ice pack on his toddler, who literally just hurt himself.
Historians following Obama’s tenure for the past eight years have concluded that the 44th president’s administration will be classified as one of America’s most “urban presidencies.”
“Everything he does has like an… urban vibe to it, you know?” Dartmouth professor of American History Robert Oswald told reporters.
Amidst a string of scandals that have defined Hillary Clinton’s bid for the American presidency, Clinton informants reveal knowledge of the Democratic candidate burning the results of her Myers-Briggs personality test.
The widely popular test meant to reveal the true psychological profiles of anyone who completes it was initially a publicity stunt suggested by Hillary’s press team, yet the ambitious group immediately regretted their idea once the results were in.
Opening the direct flight from Boston to Austin with a stunning rendition of Delta’s on-board regulations, flight attendant Marshall Blake delivered a safety performance of a lifetime, sources report.
“Every time I’ve been on a flight with him, he has given it his all,” longtime Delta client Guy Schwartz noted.
Shaking his head in annoyance at his sibling’s failure to say “excuse me” after burping, 19 year-old twin Mark Meyers, who is three minutes older, thinks brother’s generation has lost sense of values.
“My younger brother doesn’t understand the value of hard work,” said Meyers, who has had an identical life experience to his brother in every way.
For the fourth time this month, self-proclaimed optimist Ben Gomez ’18 is convinced the banana he stowed in his backpack won’t spend entire day getting bruised and beaten. “I’ll probably save this banana until after class," said the delusional sophomore, carefully positioning the banana on top of his textbooks as if it’s not going to get completely mushed up by the next time he’s hungry.
Walking by a senior citizen smuggling a handful of apples into her purse, nice man James Mason went out of his way to help an old lady steal groceries.
“I just saw a sweet old lady, Marsha, in need, and I did what any good citizen would do,” Mason told reporters as he shoved powdered mashed potatoes and hard candies under his jacket.
After hearing “Wow, I can’t believe it’s this hot in February” for the fifth time today, climatologist Molly Schlafer rolled her eyes and filed a report warning that global warming will only contribute to more unwanted conversations about the weather.