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Secretary of the Treasure Theodore Mitchell reiterated publicly last Thursday that the duties of his position precluded him from ever telling anyone where the treasure is buried. “As Secretary of the Treasure, I would like to assure the American people that I will never tell anyone where the treasure is hidden—whether I’m under duress, tricked through riddle, or asked nicely,” said Mitchell, who also gave coy intimations that the public was not necessarily right to assume that the treasure is, in fact, buried. “I will never tell—not if I’m outwitted through verbal trickery, not if someone were to guess my real last name, not even if someone were to point out a semantic loophole in my oath of office.” Satisfied that he had made himself clear, the cabinet member excused himself and left the podium to go swim in a pool filled with coins minted from various precious metals at an undisclosed location.
