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The Brown Noser

Self-Written Vows Demonstrate Couple's Commitment To The Five Paragraph Essay

Published Friday, October 30th, 2015

Guests at the wedding of Justin and Mary Grant reported that the self-written vows of the newly married couple showed their clear commitment to the five-paragraph essay.

“It was all there,” said friend of the bride Dora Flanders. “A strong thesis, evidence to support it, and a conclusion that synthesized everything the author had been talking about.”

Both Mr. and Mrs. Grant rejected the traditional vows in favor of writing something far more rigid and structured to really show their love and commitment to one another.

“We wanted to communicate to our friends and families how strong and unique our connection is," said Mary, who proofread her soon-to-be-husband’s vows for spelling and grammatical errors. “We knew we would need to boil down our logic into a familiar format.”

Both the bride and groom laid out a strong argument for why they believe that love is what brought the two of them together. Justin Grant cited their first meeting, the way they’d look at each other when they thought the other person wouldn’t notice, and “the milkshake incident.” Mary Grant went for a more nuanced approach, expanding upon three separate examples of emotional conflict resolution.

Henry Grant, the father of the bride looked on proudly. “As soon as I met Justin, I knew that he was the man Mary would construct a compelling argument with Mary as to why marriage was the most logical choice.”

The vows incorporated both primary and secondary sources. Mary leaned heavily on a collection of letters between John and Abigail Adams, pointing out the parallels between the enduring courtship of the Founding Father and her own intellectually and emotionally fulfilling relationship with Justin. Justin supplemented his vows with properly cited excerpts from love letters he wrote Mary.

At the reception, Justin’s drunken best man was loudly asserting that most of Justin’s vows were copied off of SparkNotes.

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