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According to a recent press statement, Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) will reverse his ‘No’-vote on the Build Back Better Act in response to a heap of persuasive letters from Mrs. Jeffries’ sixth grade class.
“Up to now, I stood firmly against any federal investments in human infrastructure,” read Manchin’s press statement, referencing his staunch opposition which could only be wavered by a sack of letters from sixth grade civics students. “But after reading Tanner S.’s well-reasoned argument that the bill could be really good for so many people, I just can’t in good conscience vote to shoot it down. I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way before.”
“On the one hand, I have to consider my donors’ corporate interests,” the press statement continued, acknowledging good points made by both the coal industry and Mrs. Jeffries’ sixth graders. “But on the other hand, Jessica A. made an excellent point about how cool bridges are and how electric vehicles are the best, so now I’m in a bit of a pickle.”
“But after many sleepless nights of self-reflection, I’ve realized that my loyalties lie with my core constituency: the impassioned sixth graders of Grover Cleveland Junior High,” the statement concluded, resolving months of congressional deliberation and Democratic-party infighting. “I think student Arthur W. said it best: ‘People won’t like you if you make them sad.’”
At press time, Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema backpedaled her stance on the filibuster after reading several well-worded tweets from celebrities.
