Promptly deleting yet another text, annoyed sources report that graduating senior Jude Brentwood is asking every girl in his contacts for one last hookup with the dedication of a Jehovah’s Witness going door to door.
“Hey, miss your cute face :)” texted Brentwood to a girl he last spoke to in 2019 with the boldness of a suit-clad evangelist meeting a new potential convert. “Come watch a movie at my place this week?”
“I’ve been wanting to hang out for so long,” Brentwood messaged a girl from an Econ group project last year as if he were a determined missionary eager to find new souls with whom to share the gospel. “Down to grab a drink together and catch up?”
At press time, Brentwood was looking forward to seeing his Senior Scramble matches like a monk eagerly preparing for his favorite feast day.