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The Brown Noser

Senior’s College Bucket List Makes It Seem Like He Doesn’t Expect to Live Past Graduation

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

Sources close to senior Edward Cole report that the scope of his college bucket list makes it seem like he doesn’t anticipate living past graduation.

“I get so stressed out thinking about everything I want to do before Commencement,” explained Cole. “Most people just want to hook up with that hottie from their first year seminar, but I want to fall in love and live in the south of France for a year before graduating.”

While many of his peers’ goals include securing a job or completing The Ratty Challenge, Cole has announced plans to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro during Thanksgiving break.

“My friend and I stayed up all night last Tuesday to write the business plan for a startup I plan to launch over winter break,” continued Cole, saying that his college experience won’t feel complete unless he makes the Forbes 30 Under 30 list. “My friend had never been to Louis when it opened so she left at 5, but I stayed and kept working on the sales pitch.”

“I talked to him about doing the Scili Challenge next Friday after our stats midterm," reported his close friend Carter Chambers, "But apparently he’s going on a quest to find his biological parents that weekend.”

At press time, Cole was finding his purpose in life at a meditation retreat.

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