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The Brown Noser

Shiru Manager Closes Up, Swabs Discarded Cups For DNA

Published Friday, October 26th, 2018

According to eyewitness reports, the manager of Shiru Cafe was seen closing up shop by stacking the chairs, gathering discarded drinkware, and then donning latex gloves to inspect the drinks for leftover genetic material.

“My manager always helps us clean up after we close,” reported Shiru employee Jeffrey Bauer, explaining what he saw while he was looking up from the register. “He stacks up all the chairs and then wheels this big cart full of little empty vials out from the closet. I watched while he unwrapped a separate q-tip for all the empty cups lying around, expertly traced the contours of the container, dropped the sample into a vial, and gave it a good shake.”

The last student to leave the cafe, John Johnson ‘19, reported being stopped by the manager.

“I told him I’d rather take my drink with me, but he reminded me that I didn’t pay for a to-go cup,” Johnson said. “When I relented and gave it to him, he smiled, took the cup, and swabbed it. He then stuck on this printed label with my name, concentration, birthdate, height, eye-color, and SAT score.”

Other employees recalled seeing the man start to inspect the areas around the seats, using a specialized tweezer to grab hair and errant fingernails.

No sources were able to confirm the final destination of the genetic material. However, as of press time, the manager was observed placing the labeled vials into boxes, which were then loaded into a large white van waiting on Angell Street.

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