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The Brown Noser

Shitty Librarian Hasn’t Read All The Books

Published Friday, October 30th, 2015

Woonsocket, R.I. residents were left reeling after the discovery that local librarian Sheila Walker hadn’t even read all the books she apparently is supposed to be in charge of. Walker, who has been a library card holder for 26 years and a librarian for 8, has reportedly not even read a majority of the books housed in her library.

“How’d she even get this job?” asked local woman Tish McFarlane, one of many outraged library patrons who, since the scandal broke, have switched over to the Kindle. “I thought to be a librarian you had to have an extensive knowledge of every book in the library, in addition to always wearing a tacky, endearing patchwork vest and reading out loud with perfect pace and pitch. I really don’t think that’s asking too much.”

The library has already taken drastic measures to salvage their credibility, requiring all librarians read 10 to 12 new books a night, and allowing any library card holder to quiz any librarian on any work of literature at any moment.

“Laziness like hers is exactly what’s screwed up the American educational system,” remarked a library patron. “It’s scary to think that we were all getting advice about books from someone who hasn’t read them all.”

Walker has been suspended without pay, and may return to work on completion of an essay comparing herself to every tragic hero in literary history.

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