Sources report that shitty love affair is not even that torrid. “They just seem really happy, like they’re always cuddling and holding hands and stuff, but they barely have to deal with warring families or even marital infidelity,” said Meredith Morris, an acquaintance of the happy couple, who was disappointed in their smooth relationship. “I mean, can’t one of them be sent off to war, or take ill with consumption or something? At least throw in some class warfare.” At press time, a shitty damsel wasn’t even that distressed.

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