Reports from New York indicate shitty New Yorker Janice Davis was nowhere near the World Trade Center on 9/11. “Everyone I know was either almost on one of the planes, or almost went into work that day but somehow decided not to,” said Davis, shrugging apathetically, unaware that she was a totally garbage New Yorker for not being present during the greatest tragedy of the city’s history. “But not me. I was in Long Island visiting my great aunt Kathleen. We didn’t even have the TV on. I found out it all happened the next day. Yeah, not much of a story. I wasn’t even close to witnessing it happen. I totally missed the event all together.” At press time, a totally inept journalist was in the bathroom while the Berlin wall fell.

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