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The Brown Noser

Shitty Sarcophagus Doesn’t Even Release Plague Of Scarabs Or Summon The God Anubis

Published Friday, September 14th, 2018

In a press release issued on Thursday, a team of archaeologists working in Egypt announced the unfortunate discovery of a shitty sarcophagus that doesn’t even release a plague of scarabs or summon the god Anubis.

According to the report, the disappointing sarcophagus was discovered in a previously hidden passage of a minor pyramid and didn’t even produce a swarm of locusts when disturbed.

“We were initially excited to discover a new sarcophagus and had hoped it might be imbued with powerful magic that would release the souls of the dead or at the very least some sort of minor curse,” said lead archaeologist, professor Eduard Salcedo of Oxford University. “But this thing doesn’t even hold the restless spirit of a powerful pharaoh whose travels outside the underworld upset Anubis, the jackal-headed god of the dead. He was just a cleric or something. Nothing to write home about.”

“I guess this won’t be the start of a zany monster hunt or international paranormal crisis,” Salcedo said. “That’s why I had gotten into this business in the first place. What a ripoff.”

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