Ten shots of Bacardi were distributed Wednesday to each of over ninety intoxicated minors at the most recent “Sigma Brothers and Sluts-Who-Don’t-Have-Class-Tomorrow” tri-weekly fraternity party to commemorate the life of a freshman who had passed away earlier at the party by taking ten shots of Bacardi.
The Sigma Chi national chapter enacted the “Rule of Commemorative Shots” last month to prevent drinking deaths from disrupting party atmosphere.
“In the past, every time someone keeled over at Sigma from drinking too much, it was like ‘awww, party foul!’” said Sigma Chi President Andrew Robison ’12, grinding his genitalia in rhythm with the music against a complete stranger he had stumbled into moments earlier.
“But now whenever someone kicks the bucket, everyone gets free shots,” he continued, yelling across the room to no one in particular. “It’s like the deceased is turning up the volume from the after-life!”
Before the rule was officiated, the brothers were obligated to call EMS and postpone the party whenever someone died. The new rule allows for brothers to be respectful of the deceased while not ruining the vibe of the evening.
“It’s what they would have wanted, anyway,” added Robison.
Following the 10 shots Wednesday, three more students passed away from alcohol poisoning, so three more rounds of 10 commemorative shots each were distributed to all.
“Normally, four deaths would be a total buzz-kill, right?” said Robison, between explosions of projectile vomit. “But now it’s like buzz-city!”
Following the fourth commemorative round of shots for the evening, the Sigma Chi dance floor was littered with bodies, leaving only Robison alive.
“Nothing can stop a Sigma party!” said Robison, alcohol now comprising more of his blood than blood, pickling his liver and leaving his brain at a clinically vegetative level. “Now who wants to take these 870 shots and see where the night takes us?”
“This guy!” added Robison.