Zack's articles
Less than a month until her departure from the University, President Simmons sent an email Friday at 2:38 a.m. to all students and faculty requesting their invaluable perspectives on what they were up to.
“Dear Members of the Brown Community,” Simmons began, “As we embark together on a new phase in our lives, I hope that you will take advantage of an opportunity to come over to University Hall and watch an episode of “Community” or “House” or whatever if you’re still up.”
The Brown University letterhead was pasted in at an angle halfway through the email.
Glancing back and forth between his black ‘Led Zepplin Over Europe 1980’ T-shirt with the glowing wizard and his tie-dye ‘Jimmy Page sitting on a motorcycle’ T-shirt, Matt Giggins struggled to decide whether he would prefer to be swimming or drowning in poonany at Eric’s house party later tonight.
WASHINGTON—Struggling to jumpstart an economy mired in recession, President Obama promised Tuesday to assume a second presidency until America can get back on its feet.
KABUL—After years of careful calibration, U.S. military forces detonated one perfectly aimed bomb in Kabul this morning, establishing a representative government rooted in equal opportunity and personal liberties. By noon the smoke had cleared from the bomb site, revealing a federal government restricted by a series of checks and balances.
Since hearing about the catastrophic earthquake two years ago, the majority of Americans said that they were feeling pretty sure that Haiti has gotten its act together by now. “For months I was worried sick about Haiti,” said Marion Carson of Portland, OR.
As they prepare to join the workforce, many seniors struggle with the decision whether to pursue creative passions or careers promoting known evils.
Christina Penniweather ’13 and Edward Montgomery ’12 exchanged feelings of mutual adoration last Saturday reversing the longstanding belief that love was something that could be given but never returned.
For centuries, scholars equated love with bitter loneliness, rash decisions, psychosis and feeble attempts at attaining the unattainable, but Penniweather and Montgomery have challenged that long-held belief.
NEUR 1020: “Principles of Neurobiology” would not be a bad choice for one of your spring semester classes, explained Melvin Polevsky ’12 during a brief conversation Tuesday afternoon, throughout which he was imagining doing all sorts of unspeakable things to you and your mouth.
A recent report from a team of MIT researchers demonstrated that, if given the chance, scientists would make statistically excellent husbands. The principal investigator will be presenting the findings next month to a panel of single women.
“Cooking, at its core, is the same as mixing chemicals,” the authors theorized, “and scientists are very precise with their movements, even at small scales.”
The experiment had females rate scientists compared to non-scientists on double-blind dates.
Following inquiries into to the cause of her resignation, President Simmons announced, between toots on an old wooden air-whistle, that she is stepping down to pursue her lifelong aspiration of operating her “very own passenger, freight or choo-choo train.”
Ten shots of Bacardi were distributed Wednesday to each of over ninety intoxicated minors at the most recent “Sigma Brothers and Sluts-Who-Don’t-Have-Class-Tomorrow” tri-weekly fraternity party to commemorate the life of a freshman who had passed away earlier at the party by taking ten shots of Bacardi.
A breakthrough finding published last week in the journal Science reported that if you think about it, the knee joint is in fact just like an elbow — but for your leg.
A computation model put forth by a joint think-tank of cognitive kneeologists at MIT and Oxford asserts that if this conclusion were verified, it would further predict that ankles are like wrists for your legs and, furthermore, that toes are like fingers for your feet.
Half of a juicy watermelon sliced into thick but not-too-thick triangles single-handedly kept the Paterson biannual family reunion on Saturday from erupting into fits of yelling and physical scuffles about Dan’s new wife Cheryl, Grandpa Martin’s will and how everyone knows Michelle is probably having an affair with that protein-guzzling Mike guy from her gym but is scared to tell her husband Henry because they don’t know if he could handle it since he picked up a drinking problem when his and Dan’s father died.
Dan Maloney ’15 spent over twelve minutes vigorously rubbing what he believed was Jessica Warden’s ’15 clitoris during a heavy-petting and make-out session late Monday night following their brief introduction that morning at the Applied Math open house.
Lazareuth Dowl ‘15 is terrified by his parents’ return to campus in late October after his mother and father spent all of move-in weekend embarrassing him by making awkward interruptions, publicly cleaning food off his face and viciously attacking his hallmates’ ankles.
This Saturday will mark the 10-year anniversary of the blast of airborne feces emitted from astronaut Dr. James Woodworth’s digestive tract.
During his recent oration “On The Genesis of Christ,” the pope unveiled his groundbreaking theory of “Exaltation,” a new hypothesis that the Catholic Church promises will help their dwindling numbers of supporters reestablish their faith.
Pope Benedict XVI explained the doctrine of the “Revival of the Most Sinless,” which postulates that “the God-fearing Father shall bestow upon the Son a higher probability of fear in God.”
The oration was met with skepticism from the scientific community, which noted that the similar “Theory of Evolution” was theorized two hundred years ago by Charles Darwin.
Following a three-month bidding war between the soft drink giants, The Coca-Cola Company outbid PepsiCo for sponsorship of the Bern Lake Pepsi Bottling Factory in North Carolina.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian leaders reached a landmark resolution Monday aimed at creating lasting peace through widespread murder.
An emerging habit can change the risk of developing a malignant tumor, according to a study released this week by Harvard or MIT.
After a two-millennium sabbatical, the resurrected Son of God addressed a crowd of modern Jerusalemites from atop an apple crate.
Taco Bell announced Tuesday that it will be launching a new "8th Meal" to fill the hunger gap between Second Supper and Mid-Dinner Snack. "Focus groups show that customers can get hungry whenever they're not eating, and the 8th Meal will help to bridge that," said Taco Bell Spokesperson Eleanor Mayes.
The Sciences Library Friedman Study Center opened a 1500 decibel section for students who wish to practice instruments, set off mortar grenades into packs of howling wolves at the center of the sun, or study in groups larger than five.
To the casual glancer, I am noticed. To the interested reader, I am understood. To the scholars and critics and wannabes of this brutal industry, the local college events advertising industry, I am !! REVERED !!.
When the start of the school year finally brought about the separation craved so desperately by both parties, Brown students and parents alike leapt at the chance of uninhibited copulation without the resulting awkward dinner talk.
The University's popular Program in Liberal Medical Education, which admits students into an all-inclusive undergraduate and medical school track, unwittingly accepted 48 prematurely born infants instead of the usual academic hopefuls.
Record numbers of high-achieving intellectuals have been admitted to the class of 2014, reinvigorating the long-standing debate: are academics an essential part of the college landscape?
“I just don’t like the culture it fosters,” said Dirk Dowen ’12, talking louder than a regular person.
A new fad, "Boobs", has come abreast on college campuses for a purpose altogether different than the original intended use: as bulbous double-barreled human udders.
The trend has been described as "irresponsible" by the Food and Drug Administration, which approved the original use of Mammary Glands for nubile feeding in clinically safe doses.
Do you know any Babies who speak English? Probably not. And even if you do, it probably has an almost incomprehensible accent.
Within 20 years babies will have more jobs then Americans. No Baby I know can do a task like a good full-fledged, law-abiding Adult.
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