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Reports from the Providence Police have revealed that a smart man died reading while driving this past Sunday.
“We are all devastated,” said the smart man’s mother during an interview with a local news station, her eyes clearly focused on the book in her lap. “This was an unavoidable catastrophe. My heart goes out to all the families who have had to see their intelligent siblings, parents, and children lose their lives reading while driving. But I just wanna put it out there that although your family members may be intellectuals, my son was a genius—when he careened off the side of a bridge, he was reading Ulysses. My son was the most astute person I knew.”
“Death is always upsetting, but it’s only a real tragedy when we lose one of the erudite among us,” the smart man’s mother later professed at his funeral. “We should all take inspiration from my son. When I drive my car and ponder texting on my phone, I won’t fall into temptation’s grasp. Instead, I’ll grab my copy of War and Peace and become immersed in its world of artful detail because that’s what matters when you’re behind the wheel.”
At press time, an idiot loser dies driving while unimpaired.
