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The Brown Noser

Soil Scientists Delighted To Announce It’s Pretty Much Everywhere

Published Friday, May 3rd, 2024

Soil scientists from the US Department of Agriculture are pleased to announce that it is probably in most places.

“We’ve had the privilege to use the decades-long research of our predecessors as a springboard for this groundbreaking thesis. Literally ground breaking! Boy, do we love breaking ground,” said Dr. Paul Grossman, who was sitting triumphantly at the bottom of a hole he had just spent a few hours digging. “After hundreds of thousands of samples, 8,340 locations, and countless grueling hours in the field, the USDA is excited to announce with certainty that soil is in a lot of places.”

“Yeah, we’re pretty confident that it’s almost everywhere,” stated colleague Dr. Brian Tng with dirt on his hands and also all over his face and mouth. “Except for maybe, like, deserts. And we’re not sure about the ocean, but there might be, like, special ocean dirt there. It’s kinda hard to get those samples because there’s just not enough light. But our statistics show that soil is likely everywhere besides that.”

At press time, lunar scientists had shattering news about why the moon gets banana-shaped sometimes.

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