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The Brown Noser

Somali Pirates Thrilled Tom Hanks Takes Time Out Of His Day To Thwart Them

Published Sunday, October 27th, 2013

A band of Somali pirates attempting to rob a shipping vessel on Tuesday were shocked when the captain of the boat happened to be none other than Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks.

Upon noticing the actor, the pirates began to disembark the freighter, not wanting to disrupt his daily routine. To their complete and utter surprise, Hanks dropped everything he was doing and amicably brought the violators of international law to justice.

“It was just another ordinary day of pillaging for us,” said the leader of the pirates, who preferred to remain anonymous. “We had already rounded all of the deck workers up and menacingly waved our semi-automatic machine guns around a little, as per usual. But when we rounded the corner to the main cabin—wham, there was Tom.”

“My first instinct was that we were imposing,” he added.

Hanks, sporting a scruffy beard, a Boston accent and the self-embodiment of American patriotism for the occasion, put those fears to rest. After seeing the pirates’ weapons and calculating the risk they posed to his crew’s safety, Hanks took politely decisive action and invited the pirates to sit.

“He didn’t have to do that,” said another pirate. “Most busy working Americans would have just gone about their business, but not Tom. What a guy.”

“Really, it was the least I could do,” said Hanks.

Once the pirates had arranged themselves comfortably, Hanks went down the line, shaking each one’s hand. Inquiries about their wives and children followed, and as of press time it was reported that Hanks apologized for not having a pen on him to sign autographs.

“That’s a man I would let date my daughter,” said the leader.

As the afternoon went on, the pirates became increasingly worried that they were taking up Hanks’s valuable time, but he would have none of it. “You have to stay the evening until the wine is gone and the international authorities show up,” he reportedly insisted throughout the night.

“The next time I’m thwarted during an international crisis, I just hope the guy doing it is half the charmer Tom Hanks is,” said a Somali pirate.

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