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The Brown Noser

Some Of You Bitches Wear That Brown Merch ‘Til It’s Swamp Green by William Roberts

Published Friday, March 15th, 2024

I hate to say it, but some of y’all wear that Brown merch until it’s colored like a wet and dismal swamp. I really can’t remember the last time I saw some of y’all not decked out in Brown sweatpants so heavily worn that they’re markedly green. Not ivy green, like a lucious vine clinging to the side of a rustic brick building, but straight-out-of-a-Shrek-movie green. And just because it’s got a fuck-ass B on the front doesn’t make it any more stylish. I understand that you go here, I really do. Actually, we both go here! It just feels like a somewhat incestual form of school pride, y’know? I’m loving the pairing you’re doing, really. The Brown pants with the Brown hoodie with the Brown hat with the Brown slides, it’s sort of like an even more obnoxious Canadian-tuxedo. I just think the holes that are starting to show aren’t just from the O in Brown, and the aura of decay CAN’T just be from the bookstore. Listen, I’m sure it’s comfy and that you paid more than a hefty price for it. I get it. It’s just that, last time I checked, our school color wasn’t “grassy marsh,” and we both know that your crew neck is starting to get so sun-faded someone would think you go to “…own? B…Bown? Oh Bowdoin College? I hear that’s a good one.” Me, though? I wear mine in a chic way.

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