Okay, I think it’s pretty safe to say that all areas of academia have their little quirks and hiccups. Fans of Shakespeare aren’t even sure if he wrote all of his plays, people can’t seem to decide if JFK was gunned down by one man or a dozen and English majors are still arguing about whether “Huckleberry Finn” is racist.

But I think it’s high time that somebody step up and call physicists on their bullshit.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love science and knowledge and learning as much as the next guy, but I’m sick of getting strung along while a bunch of nerds in lab coats argue with each other and make up words to explain the universe.

When I was young, we learned that atoms were made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. Now these jerks keep on revising their statements, coming up with quarks and a whole bunch of other stuff. Why don’t they just admit they simply want to sound smarter than everyone else? Soon they’ll be telling us that Earth is made up of smaller Earths.

Do you know that Albert Einstein said that the faster you go, the heavier you get? Yeah right, Al, tell that to Usain Bolt. My money says he just proposed that to get out of jogging for exercise.

And what about Schrodinger’s cat? I know one way to tell if it’s alive or dead without opening the box: wrap that motherfucker in duct tape and kick it down a stairwell.

String theory’s a whole ‘nother can of worms they opened on us just to see us writhe with confusion. I’m pretty sure I would be able to tell if I was made of strings, thank you very much. Why don’t physicists just stick to curing cancer or whatever they’re supposed to be doing?

And don’t even get me started on biologists with all that genetics crap.

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