Partly Cloudy, 64°
Sit down, son. There’s something we need to discuss. You’re getting older and I’m sure you’re starting to get curious about certain subjects. You’ve probably even been exposed to this kind of thing already: on the Internet, at school, even in the park. As your father, I want to make absolutely sure you know everything you need to. That’s why I think it’s time we take a moment right now and talk about the birds and the bees.
Now I know I’m the last person you want to have this conversation with. Believe me, this is uncomfortable for me too. I wish you just magically knew how honeybees generate honey through the gathering, modification, and storage of sweet deposits from neighboring plants so that I didn’t have to awkwardly try to explain it to you. But there are certain things they just don’t teach you in school, like how the earliest known birds lived 160 million years ago, having since undergone numerous changes over the millennia to evolve into the modern bird we know today.
But the thing I want to emphasize the most is safety. You shouldn’t be going bird watching or beekeeping unless you’re sure you’re ready. Always ensure you have the proper information so that you feel comfortable in any situation. For example, knowing that wasp soldiers usually leave the hive unguarded in the late evening as they scavenge for food can help you make sure you don’t get hurt by rushing into things too early. And if you do go through with it, absolutely make sure to use proper protection. A leather shoulder harness can save you from making any dangerous mistakes when training a red-tailed hunting hawk.
You should also understand that identifying with a specific orientation isn’t necessarily black and white. There are over ten thousand avian species currently classified by taxonomists and each has their own unique desires and lifestyle that differ from the others. Some bees even experiment with several different pollination methods before they finally settle down later in life. And I want you to understand that this growing mental and physical fascination with wildlife biology is perfectly natural and happens to everyone as they get older.
Ah, to be young. I remember when I had this conversation with my dad. You know, I wasn’t always such an old geezer. I used to be pretty studious myself. Before your mother and I met I would sometimes read two or three different books on hornet flight patterns in one weekend. And I’ll tell you, as much as it might not seem like it right now, studying birds and bees is a million times better when you do it with someone you love.
Well, that’s probably enough for today. I want you to know that you can always come to me if you have any questions about animal behavior or ecology. Now go inside, your mother wants to talk to you about sex.
