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The Brown Noser

Sophomores Can't Wait to Finally Experience Brown's Terrible Parties

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

Sources report that after a locked-down freshman year and a rocky start to the fall semester, sophomores can’t wait to finally experience Brown’s terrible parties.

“I’ve really been looking forward to having a phenomenally disappointing social life,” said sophomore Brian Lu, referring to the brightly-lit, slightly-damp crew parties that have been missing from his college experience so far. “I just feel like I’m ready to experience all that.”

Lu elaborated that he came to Brown primarily because of the abysmal nightlife that it offered. “What attracted me was the variety,” he said. “I mean, where else could you go to a party that peters out at 10 PM in a weird-smelling basement and then one where every drink is basically straight Everclear?”

“COVID really threw a wrench in everything,” Brian said while vomit-proofing his shoes for later. “I was denied the opportunity to experience real Brown traditions, like wandering through the January snow to find a party where people weren’t crying yet. But with everybody vaccinated, we’ll be able to return to tradition and leave horrifying messes in our common areas.”

At press time, Brian was seen eagerly entering a party that would be shut down by DPS twenty minutes later.

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