Partly Cloudy, 64°
Local Providence spelunker Fit Kinnigan recently returned from his Icelandic caving trip in shame, disappointed that he didn’t have to chew his arm off to get through a tight hole.
“I feel horrible. I have bested the tightest holes of Iceland, but I didn’t even have to brutally gnaw my arm off! I barely even chewed my shoulder,” said Kinnigan, holding his head in, unfortunately, both of his hands. “My sadness is directly proportional to how many arms I still have.”
“There were barely any dangerous spiders or troglofauna, not a single stalagmite punctured my chest, I didn’t even encounter a single spirit of a past spelunker coming back to haunt me,” continued Kinnigan, who was at this point wedged between two tight couch cushions. “Every day I look in the mirror and hate how much of me I still see. If I had one wish, I would go back into that hole and do things the right way.”
At press time, Kinnigan didn’t even have to be rescued by an emergency diving crew.
