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The Brown Noser

Spelunker Disappointed He Didn’t Have To Chew Arm Off To Get Through Tight Hole

Published Friday, November 1st, 2024

Local Providence spelunker Fit Kinnigan recently returned from his Icelandic caving trip in shame, disappointed that he didn’t have to chew his arm off to get through a tight hole.

“I feel horrible. I have bested the tightest holes of Iceland, but I didn’t even have to brutally gnaw my arm off! I barely even chewed my shoulder,” said Kinnigan, holding his head in, unfortunately, both of his hands. “My sadness is directly proportional to how many arms I still have.”

“There were barely any dangerous spiders or troglofauna, not a single stalagmite punctured my chest, I didn’t even encounter a single spirit of a past spelunker coming back to haunt me,” continued Kinnigan, who was at this point wedged between two tight couch cushions. “Every day I look in the mirror and hate how much of me I still see. If I had one wish, I would go back into that hole and do things the right way.”

At press time, Kinnigan didn’t even have to be rescued by an emergency diving crew.

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