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The Brown Noser

Spiritus Tops Fortune 500 List

Published Friday, December 1st, 2006

"Spiritus Fermenti Inc., a Providence based distributor of wine and spirits, tops this year's Fortune 500 list. Many economists have cited Spiritus Fermenti Inc., referred to simply as ""Spiritus"" by local constituents, as the ideal business model.

""Spiritus Fermenti Inc. is really on the cutting edge as far as customer relations goes,"" says Franz Fletcher, a renowned Swedish economist. ""They seem to know everything about each customer that walks in. Thus each customer is given a sense of comfort and belonging.""

One of Spiritus Fermenti Inc.'s foundational tenants, one often unsuccessfully imitated by other corporations, is its dedication to customer diversity. Spiritus does not discriminate based on socio-economic class, race, religion, sex, physical ability, age, or sexual orientation-much easier said than done in a world being further stratified into different groups.

Spiritus also has a tradition of innovation, fusing together markets to bring together exactly what consumers want. For example, the company has brought in a refrigerating device, allowing customers to conveniently purchase overpriced non-alcoholic beverages at their own leisure. ""It is synergy like this that propels Spiritus Fermenti Inc. forward,"" says Fletcher.

So, what is next for ""the Inc.""? Management is keeping quiet, but industry experts expect a big move. Rumors of glass mugs, coasters or even T-Shirt sales have all been circulated, yet it is near impossible to speculate when dealing with such a pure form of innovation. All we can do now is sit back and drink.

Behind Spiritus on the list are 2. Exxon Mobil, 3. Wal-Mart Stores, and 7. General Electric. The next highest beverage company is PepsiCo, at 61."

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