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Stymied by the U.S. armed forces, seven-ton monster and certified squeally lil wuss Goræbogon The Colossal slithered back into the sea to regain his precious strength after failing to demolish all of New York City last Wednesday. Left in his wake is a really pathetic excuse for mass destruction.
According to various Manhattan residents, Goræbogon spent seven hours “attacking, if you can even call it that” the city with his “chicken shit fire breath and weak little piglet arms” before ultimately regressing into the Hudson River, severely wounded by U.S fighter pilots.
“I didn’t even fuckin’ flinch,” said construction worker Ray Manzanti moments after the ancient creature disappeared beneath the sea with one last drawn-out, distressed roar. “That pint-sized piggly pop may have torn down the scaffolding I was on with his kiddy claws, but he was no match for those fighter pilots and the great city of New York!”
He added, “I bet he’s going back to the Mariana trench to suck his wussy little thumbs and cry like a fuckin newborn pig!”
Even sources that were on the highest floors of skyscrapers leveled by the colossus say they weren’t remotely intimidated by Goræbogan’s “candy-ass razor teeth and limp-shit Morningstar tail,” adding that he should go just back to his pigpen and suckle mama pig’s teet like the feeble oinker he really is.
“After the ass-whooping he took, compliments of the motherfuckin U.S. of A., I bet it takes Goræbogon one thousand years to fully regain his strength,” said dog walker Ursula Wu while being loaded into an ambulance on a stretcher. “My broken femurs will be fine in a matter of months because I’m not a whimpering pig.”
At press time, Goræbogon was presumably rolling in the mud and nursing his scrapes.
