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Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced today that in an effort to boost academic excellence and close the achievement gap, standardized testing will now take the place of birthdays, recess and sleep. “In a globalized and increasingly competitive world, we must ensure that our children are getting the skills they need,” said Duncan, noting that now instead of birthdays, students would be able to help themselves to 15-minute breaks between tests. “Birthdays may have had their place in a 20th-century education system. But they’re not data-driven and they neglect the STEM learning skills that our kids will need to succeed, choosing to focus instead on useless ephemera like friendship and wishes.” As of press time, Duncan was at home cradling his beloved wife, a Scantron ES-2010 Digital Form Reader, as he drew up plans to replace summer vacation with something called “Accelerated Literacy Prep.”
