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A stapler in the Sciences Library basement announced yesterday that he is sick of people smashing his face into the rest of his body every day and night.
“It’s really getting old,” the stapler said. “I’m getting really bad headaches.”
The stapler has issued numerous complaints through the proper channels, but the Department of Public Safety has yet to return any of his phone calls.
“I didn’t do anything; people just come up to me randomly and, like, curb stomp me out of nowhere,” the stapler said. “I wish people would at least talk to me first. I’m actually a really nice stapler.”
The stapler said that some students will bash his skull in up to 10 times before even realizing that he is out of staples, “which they would have known if they had bothered to talk to me beforehand,” the stapler said.
The stapler said that there’s a lot more to him if students would take the time to get to know him. For example, he has a little screw on his bottom that when you turn it, pushes the spikes of a staple out instead of in. And his tail is also a staple remover.
“There’s a lot to me, but it’s hard to remember that when everyone always just looks at you like an object,” the stapler said. “It’s really hard on my self-esteem to get used by everyone I meet.”
He added, “I bet most people don’t even know that a stapler’s heart is in his feet, so when people hit me, they’re really crushing my heart.”
The stapler has also contacted the American Civil Liberties Union, and the organization expressed their support for his plight and the plight of all staplers in an official statement last week. Some Modern Culture and Media students also caught wind of the stapler’s sad story and are in production on a film starring Rob Schneider as the stapler.
