The White House announced last week that the over 190,000 American soldiers that have been killed in combat in the Iraq War are actually only 50,000 American soldiers that have been killed in combat in the Iraq War, according to expert economists.
When asked about the cost in human lives of the seemingly endless war against a vague enemy in the occupation of Iraq for the past 11 years, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reminded reporters that the 190,000 sons and daughters lost in the futile conflict that has lasted for over three administrations was really only 50,000 sons and daughters when adjusted for inflation.
Depressing local man Fred Harvey began another day in his long life in sweaty sheets this morning, again.
He had been having a dream laughing with his ex-wife in their old backyard when his alarm played that song from “Groundhog Day” and Harvey opened his eyes to find himself in his same room with stuff he did not want strewn across his uncarpeted floor illuminated by light leaking through his blackout shades that did not work.
According to Brown’s Department of Neuroscience, professors just realized that they have been studying the brains of monkeys this whole time.
Professor Emeritus Greg Harrison said that he thought the misunderstanding started about 30 years ago, when early neuroscientists used monkey brains because they are evolutionarily similar to humans, but apparently they forgot to tell their peers that the studies were conducted on monkeys.
A stapler in the Sciences Library basement announced yesterday that he is sick of people smashing his face into the rest of his body every day and night.
“It’s really getting old,” the stapler said. “I’m getting really bad headaches.”
The stapler has issued numerous complaints through the proper channels, but the Department of Public Safety has yet to return any of his phone calls.
Thousands gathered at a sold out Skrillex show last night at Providence Performing Arts Center to watch electronic musician Skrillex unwrap and insert a Skrillex CD into a very big CD player.
Contrary to popular belief, animal testing was discovered to actually be really funny, according to a recent study in Harvard’s Scientific Review.
Researchers said that animal rights activists, who have long protested the widespread use of animal testing, probably don’t understand the comedic value of putting non-consenting animals through a variety of potentially dangerous experiments.
The nation tuned in a few weeks ago once again to honor the tradition of watching the bottom half of Vice President Joe Biden’s facial expressions for one hour every year.
This year, however, President Barack Obama is receiving criticism for standing up in front of Biden’s face in order to try to summarize his administration’s current goals and the problems facing the nation in a long-winded though admittedly well-written impromptu speech.
After descending into the Caswell basement on an arduous reconnaissance mission last Saturday night, James Riley ’14 reported that the party was, as anticipated, lame.
Riley agreed to trek down the three flights of stairs between his friend’s room and the party on a solo assignment when intelligence about the state of affairs in the basement could not be collected offsite.
During a police raid of Occupy Oakland last week, an Oakland police officer shot a four-year-old girl directly in the face while she was fast asleep in her mother’s arms.
In a statement issued last week by the U.S. Federal Reserve, economists argued that the horrific recession of 2009 could actually be interpreted, from upside down, as an economic boom.
“There’s not really any principle in economics that suggests that we should be looking at this data right side up,” said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.
Residential Counselor Carrie Carson ’13 was furious last weekend when she once again found accumulated clumps of knotted hair on the floor in the hall shower. Carson said that, in order to teach her freshmen a lesson, she has required that each wet ball of hair be reattached to a part of a student that could have shed it.