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The Brown Noser

Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones, But The Process Would Take At Least Two Seconds Longer Than Usual Because I Drink Calcium-Fortified Hood Milk Twice Daily

Published Friday, March 8th, 2019

I don’t like to be laughed at. Nobody does. And insults will wring my eyes like tiny dishtowels. But if you resort to force? Oh, if you do– know this: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the process would take at least two seconds longer than usual because I drink calcium-fortified Hood milk, twice daily.

Let me be clear. I am no king, no God. I am merely a single mortal man, albeit one with a slightly increased resistance to impact thanks to a daily calcium intake exceeding that of typical consumers of whole milk by approximately 20%, other dietary choices notwithstanding.

“That’s all?” I hear you scoff. That’s all? That’s one and a half stones. Or nine sticks. Yes, I have performed the calculus. Could you even hit me with that many sticks if I were standing still? But I would not be standing still, because my healthy muscles and strong bones would allow me to run away.

In fact, Hood milk is so powerful that I am visited often by excruciating, tract-rending kidney stones. I look forward to these. For how else am I to know that the product has served its purpose? No other milk on the market will provide me with enormous pebbles of evidence– nor will they momentarily shield me from the ballistic attacks of emotionally underdeveloped teens. No– only Hood.

Available in half-gallon or 96 oz.

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