Students and faculty alike were surprised by the sudden appointment of a mysterious out-of-towner to the position of Dean of the College. The new dean, known only as “Sam,” was apparently selected due to his charisma, style and an outstanding unplanned interview where he rhythmically spoke to a crowd of several dozen on the Main Green about various unaddressed problems within the current Brown administration.
“I didn’t really understand some of what he was saying because he was talking so fast, but I think he made some really good points about where Brown should be heading in the future," said Sarah Jackson ‘13. "I think he’s pretty cool and cute in an old guy way."
Others are less impressed with Sam. According to Professor of History Arnold Cleveland, “While his word-per-second ratio is rather impressive, most of his speech seemed to focus on problems instead of solutions. However, I do agree that he is very charismatic. Very charismatic."
Although The Brown Noser was unable to verify any of Sam’s credentials — including his tenure as a door-to-door salesman, his former managerial positions with Columbia University’s chorus and marching bands and the existence of a surname — many students are hopeful that his impressive resume and lyrical flow will lead to positive changes for the University.
Sam agreed to meet with us for an interview, wearing his trademark boater hat, red striped shirt and winning smile. “Yesiree, there’s gonna be a bright future for Brown, just you wait! Got quite a few things planned out. What we need here is some change, ya see, and I’ve got just what we need!” When asked for specifics, Sam smiled coyly and said, “All in good time, my friends. All in good time.”
At press time, Sam’s office had purchased 300,000 magazine subscriptions and 12,000 vacuum cleaners. The purpose of these items is unknown.