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The Brown Noser

Student Abducted By Sketchy Van Saved From Awkward Encounter With Safewalk

Published Monday, October 31st, 2022

Last night, sophomore Rachel Stein narrowly avoided tragedy when, just mo- ments from having an awkward encounter with a pair of Safewalkers, she was abduct- ed by two masked men in a sketchy van.
“I was so nervous when I saw those Safewalkers make eye contact with her,” said sophomore Kelly Monteith, who watched the chilling moment unfold. “I just knew that they would ask her if she needed assistance getting somewhere on campus, and she would have to politely decline or act like she didn’t hear them.”
According to several bystanders, Stein was seconds away from sputtering an “Oh no, I’m good thanks!” when an unmarked white van pulled up beside her.
“Thankfully, right then and there, two men in black ski masks shoved her into the back of their van,” said Monteith, slowly regaining her composure. “Those guys are heroes. They didn’t sit around waiting for something terrible to happen. Instead, they took action, forcefully abducting that girl and saving her from imminent peril.”
At press time, a student taking a mental health-induced leave of absence escaped the lengthy wait for a CAPS ap- pointment.

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