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The Brown Noser

Student Choking On Chicken Bone Can’t Wait For Ratty To Reopen So He Can Get Heimlich

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Sophomore Matt Tooney reportedly can’t wait for the Ratty to reopen as he is currently choking on a chicken bone and would like to get the Heimlich.

“Aaaack! Chhhaga chugh chaugh!” remarked Tooney, fondly remembering better days at Brown, back when the Ratty was open and when he did not have a chicken bone in his throat. “Huurrrrghhh, hauacaackackahh!”

Tooney, a frequent diner at the Ratty prior to the lockdown, always appreciated the Ratty’s steadfast selection of burgers, hotdogs, and other foods that do not have bones in them. Additionally, he misses the hardworking and thoughtful staff of the Ratty, some of whom would know how to give him the Heimlich.

“Gurglurglurgchchahhhhhhrg!” said Tooney as his face turned blue with sadness from not eating at the Ratty and also from asphyxiation. Though he can’t enjoy his meals in a dining hall, Tooney has been enjoying trying new dishes, such as the mustard-roasted chicken thighs whose bones he is currently choking on. “Ehhreagagagagag! Barchaasggluaerchuck!”

At press time, Tooney was looking forward to being able to live with his roommate again, an EMT who knows how to perform CPR.

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