Partly Cloudy, 64°
Running a hand through his hair and leaning casually against the fold-out table, Charlie Hayward ’16 is clearly only attending the fifth Republican Debate to try and hook up with somebody. Hayward has appeared more interested in flirting shamelessly than snarkily criticizing the Republican candidates for president.
“So what do you like to do?” asked Hayward of Monica Bowden ‘18, leaning in to hear her response over Ben Carson’s attempt to elucidate his tax plan and the resulting jeers and derisive laughter from the Ivy League audience. “Yeah. Cool, cool. Do you want to get out of here?”
Hayward has spent most of the debate near the refreshment table set up in the corner, where he has helped himself to Oreos and loudly chatted up any woman who approaches, paying little attention to the various ways the Republican frontrunners for president were embarrassing themselves to the delight of his liberal peers.
“I don’t really follow politics, but I’m always down to have a good time,” said Hayward, who mentioned having some difficulty gauging his prospects in the flickering blue-tinged light of the projector screen. “Getting turned up on a Tuesday? A theme party? I’m there.”
The event organizers are less pleased about Hayward’s carnal motives.
“Trump said something racist, and Charlie didn’t even laugh at him,” said Brown Democrats Co-President Cheryl Dodge ’17, who also complained that Hayward was hogging the plastic handle of vodka the Dems smuggled into Wilson 301 for the party. “This is an important event. We didn’t order three boxes of Domino’s just so this guy could get his dick wet.”
At press time, Hayward had found someone so turned on by Marco Rubio stumbling over the pronunciation of a word that she agreed to at least make out with him.
