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Sources confirm that Noah Crowan ’18 only bonds with his professors by failing their classes.
“I want to connect with all my students,” said Professor of History Carla Clank. “Noah gets wonderfully close to me through sporadic emails begging for extensions on papers that he never ends up turning in.”
“Noah has a lot going on lately," said Professor of Modern Culture and Media Darnell Smith with a sigh. "He fell behind in my course, but he got so worked up about turning in quality work that he came to my office hours crying again. He really wants to learn. It’s just a shame I can’t pass him.”
Crowan reached us for comment a couple days late and apologized profusely. “Professor Clank is amazing," said Crowan. "When I walk into a her office with my eyes down and my baseball cap in my hands, asking for lenience, I feel like we are totally on the same page, determined to keep my grade afloat.”
At press time, Crowan was seen ripping up a math test so that he could really open up to Professor Jason Lai.
